Strength in Weakness

A story of coming full circle, by Jude.

The churches failed. That’s what I tell people when they ask why I left the Church. 

Here’s what I tell them when they ask why I came back.

It seems to me that over the last thirty years the American Catholic Church has transformed the faith into a Political Action Group. At church gatherings and bible studies I've heard people say things making it clear that if you are not aligned with the platform of a certain political party then you are not entirely welcome. Last year at a men's breakfast I told them I hadn’t voted for a Republican since 1996. That went over like, well, like a fart in church.

I heard someone correctly say once that the church is a hospital for sinners, not a hotel for saints. And yet, in the minds of many, I get the impression you need to meet a certain saintly standard to be accepted into the community. If you support reproductive rights, you are not welcome (even if you do believe abortion is wrong, but there are more options than pushing for it to be illegal). Or if you support the LGBTQ+ community you are not welcome (and God help you if you are in that community). 

The thing is, Jesus would certainly welcome you and all your gay friends and all your friends who had an abortion for one reason or another. He would welcome all of you and love you and talk to you and comfort you and forgive you for whatever you need forgiveness for. Judge not lest ye be judged (Matthew 7:1). Love one another as I have loved you (John 13:34). Remove the plank from your own eye so you can see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s (Matthew 7:5). This is what church communities should imitate.

But for too many, it is not that way. And that’s why many churches are failing. 

So, I left the seminary not because of the Church, but because of the people who went there. 

Leaving the seminary started ten years of wandering, mostly alone. I took odd jobs and spent a lot of time trying to find a path that could lead me and others to God. I tried Episcopal churches, Methodist churches, Unitarian Universalists, and even dabbled in tarot, astrology, and drugs (not recommended). 

Around the mid-2000s, I came across Zencast, a podcast with a combination of Buddhist teachings and meditation instruction. With every listen, every sitting, I knew I came closer to the truth. 

But by 2012 I realized my spiritual practice could only go so far without a spiritual community. Any progress along the path, despite all the hours listening to podcasts, reading books, and sitting in meditation, depended on how well I understood it. At some point I stopped making progress, finding seemingly insurmountable barriers no matter how well the teachers taught or the writers wrote. I had been going strong for a few years, but my doubt almost made me stop and wander off to another tradition. 

Instead, I wandered to San Diego where I finally found a home in the Dharma Bum Temple. My time with them taught me why a community of spiritual friends – what the Buddhists call a Sangha and the Christians call a congregation – helps everyone to grow. 

Frankly, it’s comforting to have a group of people to speak with about spiritual things without feeling like a weirdo hippie freak. I became especially fond of the group who attended the Wednesday night Introduction to Buddhism discussions, riding a wave of good feelings for days after each meeting. Most times we didn’t discuss anything earth-shattering and nothing in particular set it apart from any other night. What made this so beautiful was the openness and camaraderie in the group, the acknowledgement we all had problems, the humility in knowing we could not walk this path alone, and the understanding that none of us had a monopoly on the truth. Acknowledging our individual weakness created our collective strength. 

And my sense of belonging went well beyond the one-hour meeting. One time I returned to the Dharma Bum Temple after a long absence of a few months, and I feared the regulars would have forgotten me, or at least forgotten my name. But upon stepping through the doorway a few minutes before the start, they stood up, called me by name, and greeted me with open arms. Funny, but were it not for the Sangha, none of us would have any reason to cross each other’s paths. On the surface we are all so different; underneath, we are very much the same.

From a Buddhist perspective, the Sangha is not just the group of people you meditate with but is also the unbroken chain of teachers and students stretching back 2500 years. The Church calls this the Communion of Saints, and other traditions have similar concepts. No matter what you call it, people a long time ago heard these teachings and, by working on themselves and working together, transmitted them to us thousands of years later. We are learning wisdom traditions in 2025 because communities passed them down to us. 

This reminds me of the Gospel of John, chapter 15. In the parable of the vine, Jesus says we need to be “pruned” of everything unnecessary or harmful but, as the branches, stay connected to the vine (Jesus) that is tended by the vine grower (God). Stay connected, prune when necessary, and “bear much fruit.” 

“Remain in me as I remain in you” (John 15:4). At first glance it seems like Jesus is speaking to you individually. But the Latin version of this verse is, “Manete in me, et ego in vobis” – where vobis is the plural form of the English you. In other words, Jesus is speaking to all of us, not just to one person. One branch – one person, one group, one tradition, one church – cannot bear all the fruit the world needs. This vine needs lots of different branches to do its work. 

There is no one who, alone, can fully build the Kingdom of God, as the Christians call it. All of us have to do our part. Some will pull this way, others that; and sometimes we will oppose each other, each thinking we are fulfilling the Word, but none of us can understand completely where this is all going. This should give us the patience and humility to accept that “our” path may not be “right” in this moment under these causes and conditions. Maybe the other person has a good point.

A few years ago, I moved to Virginia. The Buddhist community here is not as large as in San Diego.

But strangely something tugged at my soul. It felt like the Buddha took me by the hand, led me back to the Church, pointed at the crucifix, and said, “Ok, Jude, he’ll take it from here. But don’t forget what you’ve learned.”

I’d been a Buddhist for about fifteen years, but it was easier than I expected to step back into a Church. Over that time the practice opened my heart to Christians and helped me forgive the Church for its imperfections. I came back but brought the Buddha with me. 

However, finding the right community – the right Sangha, congregation – is important. 

Some churches are failing, but not all of them. I have some pretty good leads.

To be continued…

This is a work of fiction based on actual events.

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